16 May Is my teen shy or socially anxious?
Julie Marshall, LCSW
My teen is afraid to participate in class, go to social events, and talk with people they know on the phone- Help!
Social Anxiety
Are you worried that your teen is not “growing out” of the shyness phase they have been in? Do you think it won’t ever improve? Social Anxiety is a common manifestation of anxiety in children and teens (and can extend to adulthood if not treated). Clinical Social Anxiety, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), is defined as “an anxiety disorder involving discomfort around social interaction, and concern about being embarrassed and judged by others (NIH, 2014)”. Social anxiety can occur whenever a teen is in a social interaction whether it is in-person or virtual.
Common Signs of Social Anxiety in Teens:
-Refuses to participate in class/ or if they do gets very nervous
-Avoids talking on the phone (yes, a phone call) at all costs
-Might not eat in front of others in fear of embarrassment
-Is very self-conscious about approaching new people and new social situations
-Oral presentations are not just uncomfortable, they are unbearable
-Rarely initiates conversation in social situations
-Does not like to “perform” in front of others
-Always thinks about what other people are thinking of them
-Refuse or avoid school
If any of the above signs relate to your teen and it is disrupting their functioning, they may have social anxiety. Disclaimer: please do not self-diagnose based on this or any other online blog. To confirm a diagnosis, your teen needs to be seen and evaluated. You can share your child’s symptoms with a Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, or other qualified professional.
Shyness Explained
If any of the above signs relate to your teen and it is disrupting their functioning, they may have social anxiety. Disclaimer: please do not self-diagnose based on this or any other online blog. To confirm a diagnosis, your teen needs to be seen and evaluated. You can share your child’s symptoms with a Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, or other qualified professional.
Now that you know a little more about what social anxiety entails, you are probably wondering why it occurs and what can be done to help with it. First, let’s differentiate shyness and social anxiety.
Many folx with social anxiety tend to have an introverted/ shy temperament. Shyness is not a bad personality trait, by the way! More than half the population has this trait. Those who lean more towards introversion are highly reflective and observant individuals. Maybe they are cautious in new situations and around new people. Or they can take a little more time to ‘warm’ up socially. People who are shy usually live a socially fulfilling life and do not experience high levels of anxiety in social situations (although there may be some).
The overlap
It is thought that those who have a less outgoing temperament are at a higher prevalence of having social anxiety symptoms. This is due to cautiousness, more inner reflection, and some feelings of discomfort present in shyness. It can be confusing to tell the difference between the two because of the similarities. However, shyness is not debilitating, and does not impede an individual’s functioning. Moreover, it is not a clinical condition that needs treatment.
Why would my teen have Social Anxiety? Where does it come from?
This is a valid question many parents ask. It can be hard to understand how social anxiety developed and why your teen is struggling so much to do what seems to be simple tasks (to those without SA). There are many factors that contribute to the development of Social Anxiety Disorder. Some of the most common are: personality traits, nature, nurture, past experiences, anxious tendencies, and behaviors. Below we will explore these reasons.
As mentioned above, teens that have a higher introversion tendency, are more susceptible to experiencing social anxiety (SA). Additional personality traits that can lead to SA diagnosis include: high levels of sensitivity to emotional experiences, high levels of empathy, a perfectionist mindset, and conscientiousness. None of these traits are negative, but they can lead your teen to reflect about each social interaction through a lens of needing to be perfect, interpreting or misinterpreting nonverbals from others, and wanting to be liked by peers. Teens with social anxiety tend to be highly intelligent people with busy inner monologues.. This can lead to frustration because a part of them knows that the social anxiety- fueled worries are untrue while another part of them cannot stop the negative thoughts.
Maybe your teen was born quiet and has always been this way. Or they started to stay to themselves more as they went into elementary/middle school. Both nature and nurture can contribute to the development of SA.
Nature
First, let’s take a look at nature. In addition to inherent personality traits (see #1), biology can play a role in the development of an anxiety disorder. Anxiety disorders oftentimes run in families. If a family member has symptoms, it can be passed down to other family members. Individual brain chemistry is also thought to cause anxiety and other mental health disorders.
Nurture
Now, we will dive into nurture. Nurture is the interplay between someone’s environment and their psychosocial development. In other words, our experiences can shape how we interact with other people. Past experiences of being left out, teased, bullied, or criticized can lead to distrust in one’s social capacity. This can lead to feeling self conscious about the way we are “liked”. Other traumatic experiences leave teens at higher risk for SA.
Further, some parenting styles may not gel with social anxiety tendencies. Particularly highly critical parenting styles. But that doesn’t mean if your child had social anxiety, it’s all your fault (it’s likely not). Social anxiety is multi faceted and is from a complex interplay of environmental experiences, personality traits, and biology.
Major life transitions such as moving, changing schools, changes in family dynamics, etc. can be stressful (even if positive). Although life transitions do not cause SA, they can exacerbate symptoms. This is because your teen is feeling unsure and insecure about the shift in day-to-day life and is nervous about how they are to behave. If this is something that is situational in nature, the good news is that it is highly treatable. Gentle exposure and reassurance can go a long way in making the transition as smooth as possible.
Social anxiety, although not necessarily a lifelong condition, requires intervention to overcome. If your teen is not making any headway on their own, it may be time to consult a professional. The most evidence-based treatments include emotion regulation skills, social skills (such as assertiveness training), CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), and possibly medication management.
Verne Psychotherapy and Wellness LLC is a private therapy practice in Upper Montclair, New Jersey. Verne has multiple therapists with a wide range of expertise treating anxiety, depression, trauma, and beyond. Verne accepts people of all cultural, racial, and sexual backgrounds. We serve clients ages 12 to 65. We have an in-person office in Montclair, New Jersey and also can see patients virtually. To get matched with one of our therapists, please call our office at 862-330-1727 ext 1 or visit our website: vernewellness.com.