How to Spot & Stop Gaslighting

Why are you so upset? I was only kidding,can’t you take a joke?”   “What are you talking about - I never said that.”  If these comments  sound familiar, you may be a victim of gaslighting.

What is gaslighting?  Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that involves denying or distorting the truth to make someone question their own memory or sanity. It is a form of emotional abuse that can happen in personal or professional relationships, and can also be a sign of more severe abuse. It is ALWAYS a serious problem in a relationship.  

Gaslighting can happen to anyone. Abusers carry out gaslighting behaviors gradually so that most often the victim doesn’t realize it. The abuser disproves concerns time and again to the point a person does not recognise the reality of what is happening. 

Signs you’re being gaslighted include:  you're constantly apologizing, you feel like your feelings are being invalidated, you’re making excuses for someone else’s behavior, you’re doubting your own self-worth and you feel depressed but don’t know why.

Be aware that discussion gives them an opening. When you get questions like “What did I do, what do you mean, I don’t understand” they are not listening or trying to understand you, they are waiting for your reply so they can either attack you or when you answer they start denying everything you say.

The sooner the signs are recognised, the sooner the victim can take steps to find help.

Some Examples of  Gaslighting Behavior:

• ‍Blatant Lies: You know the person is lying, often and with ease, yet they say they do not recognize this in their behavior. You begin to have self-doubt, question everything and become uncertain of the simplest matters.‍
• Denial: You know what they said. They deny ever saying it. They ask you to prove they said it. You start to question your memory.  Perhaps they were right, they never said it.  Increasingly you question your reality and accept theirs.‍
• Losing Your Sense of Self: The gaslighting continues methodically and continuously over a long period of time.  The victim, over time, becomes a different person.  Self-confidence disappears, and the victim becomes a shadow of their former self.  Their reality and being becomes that of the abuser. ‍
• Love and Flattery: A gaslighter will tear a person down, build them back up and tear them right down again. This abusive pattern becomes reality for the victim and the praise associated with the building back up convinces them to think the abuser isn’t all bad.‍
• Confusion: A gaslighter fosters constant and consistent confusion leading the victim to become desperate for clarity.  As the person searches for clarity from the abuser, the cycle continues and the abuser’s power increases.‍
• Projecting: A gaslighter projects their actions on to their victim.  For example, if the gaslighter is a liar and a cheater, they accuse the victim of being a liar and a cheater. The person feels that they constantly need to defend themselves for things they have not done.‍
• “You’re crazy”: The gaslighter knows the person is already questioning their sanity. They also know the victim is searching for clarity.  Therefore, when they call the person crazy, the person believes it. The gaslighter will also tell other people the victim is crazy so that  if the victim ever approaches those people for help, they will most likely not be believed.‍
• Everyone Else is A Liar: The gaslighter may tell the person everyone else is against them and that everyone is lying. Such action further blurs the victim’s sense of reality and increases their dependence on the gaslighter.

To shut down a gaslighter, stay grounded in your own reality, set boundaries, and call out the gaslighting behavior. If at all possible, minimize contact and disengage from the gaslighter. When confronted with gaslighting, stay calm and assertive. Refuse to be manipulated and express your thoughts confidently. With that being said, staying calm does not mean lacking the ability to take action. If you believe you are a victim of gaslighting, reach out for help from a professional, from an abuse hotline, and people that you trust.